"I just play video games and watch shows all day"
Some days unschooling looks like that. And that's okay.
A couple of weeks ago, I visited the dentist with my youngest child. The hygienist asked, “No school today?”
The teen and tween in our family would have replied “I’m homeschooled” to get away with minimal commentary, but not our 7-year-old. His response? “I don’t go to school. I play video games and watch shows all day.” This was delivered with a smirk.
I laughed. At this point, fourteen years in to our home education journey, I’m not worried about what other people think about how we live and learn together. Also, going to the dentist is no easy task for this particular kiddo, and he was managing it pretty well.
Fostering emotional regulation, self-awareness, and advocacy skills are far more important to me than meeting artificial academic milestones.
I’ve written a little about the beautiful, nature-filled, homeschooling days we experienced when my kids were younger. If I’m honest, I often miss those simpler times. Wrangling a 7-year-old, 3-year-old, and a baby into snowsuits and sitting out in the winter woods with friends all day? I know it felt overwhelming and exhausting at the time. I particularly remember being physically overstimulated and feeling touched out. My body has a lot more space these days, but it’s much more mentally exhausting to parent three young people at different developmental stages, with widely different interests and preferences to boot.
So does my youngest actually spend all day playing video games and watching shows? (I know this is the nightmare of many parents who consider unschooling.) The answer is yes, he spends a lot of time doing those things. And no, it’s not the only thing he does.
As I write this, he’s sitting across from me at the table reading a D&D graphic novel (though shh, don’t jinx it, this quiet analog self-entertainment is rare). We have no screen limits and he has ready access to an ipad and a laptop.
Earlier this afternoon we watched two episodes of the irreverent show Gravity Falls together (pausing to discuss certain words and jokes), played the board game Dragonwood, and spent 30 minutes on the video game Terraria.
(Reading time completed for now, I get pulled away to work on a jigsaw puzzle for a bit, then we sword fight on the trampoline in the backyard, and then an older sibling comes home and invites him to play on the computer. I can return to writing this post. Whew.)
So yes, he does lots of other things, when someone is available to play. He also spends a lot of time playing Minecraft, Terraria, and other screen-based strategy games alone, with family members, and with online friends. These games are his main interest right now and honestly, I’m amazed by the catalog of knowledge he’s amassed in playing them.
When I join him in playing, he is very much teaching me - “No mom, you can’t use that item, because your character uses magic…” “We need to get [x item] from [this biome] to craft [this other thing].”
There are placeholders there because I honestly cannot keep up. I play anyway, but I’m terrible at it, because I have a million other things going on in my head. But I make sure to play each new game just to join him in his joy, to enter his world, and also because it keeps me centered. It’s not just “he’s on those video games again.” I try to learn enough to celebrate when he unlocks a new level, beats a boss, or makes a discovery. And thankfully there are two other gamers in our house who can partner with him in more equal and satisfying ways. Because video games are one of his main avenues of learning at the moment. I’m okay with that. Well-chosen video games are surprisingly powerful tools for gaining knowledge and skills, as well as experiencing joy. We try to avoid crappy pay-to-play video games, but even those bring opportunities for learning and thoughtful conversations.
Many adults criticize and devalue video games, dismissing them as a waste of time. I suspect few of these adults actually play the games their kids love. Video games are designed to be engaging, offering adjustable difficulty levels that cater to individual preferences. I think they can be particularly appealing for kids with strong visual-spatial abilities - both of my gamer kids also excel at LEGO building and other engineering related tasks.
Video games can be enjoyed both in the company of friends and in solitude. They strike a balance that aligns well with self-determination theory, providing a satisfying way to experience competence, connection, and autonomy.
You may have noticed I referred to only two gamers among the three young people in our house. One is more like me - a lover of books, writing, art, nature, and a wide variety of experiences (and yes, we utilize a good deal of tech to read, write, learn things, and make art as well - but those forms of “screentime” aren’t vilified in the same way). Despite having the same access to video games and digital media, they simply aren’t her passion. People are different.
The learning that is right for one child is not the same as the learning that is right for another child. They are different people, who will make different choices.
Sometimes I feel nervous about the choices my kids make. I remind myself that there are no guarantees with any life choice, (especially) including sending kids to school. We are lucky to be living a learning lifestyle that is flexible and responsive to our needs and desires. Things change all the time and we are able to change with them - kids grow, adults grow, friendships change, things that once felt shiny and new become boring, new adventures beckon, and sometimes we all need periods of rest.
I don’t know what my kids are going to be doing as adults, but I do know they will have had ample time to explore their interests, to try things out, and to make mistakes.
In addition, I am sure I could not make the “right” choices for them to be prepared for their adult lives. The world is changing so quickly that the job landscape, among other things, will look completely different ten years from now.
Even today, they love doing different things than I do. Surely they are going to continue to pursue the activities and experiences that make their hearts sing, and those things are going to pave the way for future adventures. People don’t generally choose their life’s work based on things they don’t like doing. Lots of things can be offered, demonstrated, and playfully explored without them being forced.
Schools are still operating on an outdated industrial-age model. Schooled kids are spending their entire childhoods being relentlessly trained for jobs that may not even exist when they are looking for work.
In opting out of school, we have opted in to a childhood that is about more than just getting ready to be an adult. Who they are right now, today, matters. The things they love doing are worth doing, just because they love them. Learning happens naturally in the course of doing those things. Because humans can’t help but learn.