Limerence and PDA
Examining intense human connections, for better and for worse
Welcome old friends and new subscribers! I’m finally back after an overly full Fall (life updates and new podcast episodes are linked at the end). Just in time for an overly full and chaotic Holiday Season. We’re so close to a Winter break around here. Despite being unschoolers, we have many programs and seasonal rhythms. I’m planning full days in pajamas with puzzles, books, and tea—and hopefully more time for writing. I have missed connecting with the community here on Substack, and would love to hear from you in the comments! Also a new episode of PDA: Resistance and Resilience dropped this morning about mentoring for gifted PDAers. Check it out!
After hearing Kieran Rose talk about limerence in a recent Q&A, I’ve found myself thinking about how it shows up for PDAers. Limerence is a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s to describe a feeling of infatuation with another person. She originally envisioned it a romantic feeling, but people use the word in different ways today, including for strong platonic attachments.
Limerence has been framed as a negative experience of unrequited, obsessive love. But Kieran described it as an experience that can be beautiful and mutual. I prefer this more nuanced interpretation, where limerence can be either positive or negative, much like other forms of attachment. This broader framing also helps me make sense of several deep and encompassing social connections in my own life, especially as a child and young adult. These days, with my own teens and in the families I support, I have a front row seat in observing how intense friendships and shifting social dynamics can take center stage in adolescence.
Rabbi Shoshana Meira Friedman wrote a great piece about Autistic limerence, which explores what happens when a person becomes a special or intense interest. Thinking back on my own past experiences, I’d also like to expand the conversation around shared experiences of limerence.
Deep Friendships as Mirroring
Chris Wells and I talked briefly about our experiences of what might be called the PDA “obsession with people” (though limerence is such a nicer word!) in episode 2 of PDA: Resistance and Resilience at the 30 and 48 minute marks.
We described the internal experience of these kinds of deep connections not as “obsession,” but rather as mirroring. When I think back on my closest friendships, I notice there was always a deep intellectual component. I was fascinated by the friend felt like my person in the world, yes, but I was also captivated by our shared discussions and ways of making sense of the world - which literally shaped a feeling of a different reality. It’s hard to articulate the world building I experienced with several different friends over time as a teenager, except to say that our conversations and time together felt more real than the rest of the external world.
Chris also talked about these kinds of experiences, and noted in the podcast episode: “these were the people in my whole life who saw me, who got me, who could be safe people, who were people who brought me like zest and joy in every interaction because of that.”
For neurodivergent folks, feeling seen and understood is rare, so it makes sense that when we find a special connection we often hang on to it like a life raft. Limerence also allows for expanding into new areas of interest, like when that best friend or romantic partner introduces you to new music, hobbies, or ideas.
I also mentioned in that episode that my friendship patterns as an adult are much more balanced. Secure in my long-term relationship with my partner, I have many friends now, rather than only wanting one very “best” friend. I don’t think I’ve experienced limerence in many years (which I am a bit wistful about, because while stable relationships have been healthier for me, the ups and downs of those early infatuations were novel and exhilarating).
Though I am also thinking about my early years of motherhood, the deep connection with my babies and toddlers, and how that could also be seen through the view of limerence! I felt a physical loss when I wasn’t with them and a strong pull back towards our cozy (sticky, sometimes smothering, but also lovely) shared world. I’ve heard other Autistic mothers describe how parenting became an intense interest, and also a wide range of related topics: natural birth, child development, nutrition, education, making things, time in nature… And then as they get older, we get drawn into all of the unique interests our children develop: fantasy worlds, Minecraft, obscure science facts, history documentaries, cryptids, circus arts, dragons, weird corners of YouTube, and more.
But not all intensity is sustaining. There are real downsides to experiencing life this way.
The Dark Side of Limerence
Deep passions are often uplifting, but it’s easy to feel adrift when they end. In her piece on limerence, Rabbi Shoshana points out that intense interests are an important source of both joy and regulation for Autistic people—and when that interest requires another human being, accessing that joy and regulation becomes more complicated and less reliable:
If our special interest is a topic, new skill, social cause, or even a distant celebrity, we can access our self-regulation as much as our own limitations allow. We can study it, join fandoms, work towards completion of a project, decorate our clothes or room with its theme, etc. The object of interest does not make its own limits. Nor does it pay attention to us. We pay attention to it. We are in control of how we engage.
But when a person is the special interest, it’s different. A person can choose to ignore us, give us mixed messages, trigger attachment patterns, make and break promises, be unavailable when we want them to be available, be uncomfortable with the attention we are giving them, or any other number of inconvenient truths.
—Rabbi Shoshana, Autistic Limerence
In recognizing the downsides to these kinds of all-encompassing friendships, I’ve encouraged my own teens to seek a wider variety of relationships than I did at their ages. To look outside of having that one special person, and instead to get social needs met in a variety of different ways. With mixed success.
It is a very Autistic style of friendship for all the reasons noted above—mirroring, world building, and a flow of new fascinations to explore. Additionally, having one solid good friend (or romantic interest) is less overwhelming than trying to negotiate social dynamics with more than one other person at a time, especially when we’re talking about young and still developing humans.
Neurodivergent Lens
Examining two sides of limerence—both the nourishment and the instability—has helped me feel more compassionate towards my younger self, and also more understanding of the teens in my life now.
Having language for these experiences at all is one of the reasons I’m grateful to have become aware of neurodivergence later in life, and found my way into ND community.
Now I’d love to hear from you! Are you “all-in or all-out” on friendships, or do you take a lighter approach in relationships?
Life update: I have 18 drafts in my Substack writer’s dashboard. Snippets of half formed ideas, many of them dictated into my phone at 2am when I couldn’t sleep. Actually, one of the biggest barriers to my publishing posts is that I started HRT and am actually sleeping well most nights for the first time in years! Last night I was up in the wee hours of the morning, which we can all thank for this post going out today.
There are other things too. I passed my Comprehensive Exams and Dissertation Proposal in November, and I’m now waiting on IRB approval to start my research on family resilience in unschooling families of PDAers. I’m so excited for this and look forward to sharing more in the coming months.
Two new podcasts!
I’m bad at self-promotion (PDA strikes again), but I joined Bright Conversations with Shontaye Jones back in September to talk about PDA and autonomy-supportive education—and I wanted to share it here as I really enjoyed the discussion: https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/bright-ideas-media/episodes/Neuroaffirming-Learning-Supporting-Families--Children-with-PDA-and-Beyond-e384a8u
A new episode of PDA: Resistance and Resilience dropped this morning as well, and it’s a great one about mentoring with a good friend of mine, Dr. Amy Clark. Enjoy!
Wow. Love this post. Describes exactly how I imagine my 18 year old PDAer has been feeling for years (although she would sadly not appreciate me suggesting she read this!). It's tough on her for sure.
Thanks for articulating what has been, for me, a lifelong experience that I’ve often felt embarrassed by. I’m 40 and still have a tendency to fall into “one special person” friendships that feel deeper than friendship but aren’t exactly romantic or sexual and I see my PDA son doing the same thing. I’m hoping to practice being satisfied by more stable, balanced relationships so I can give some guidance to him beyond guessing.