Wow. Love this post. Describes exactly how I imagine my 18 year old PDAer has been feeling for years (although she would sadly not appreciate me suggesting she read this!). It's tough on her for sure.
Thanks Steph. I always love to see you here in the comments! Ooh, I got curious about what's going on for your young adults, and just saw you have a couple of Substack posts about them. Off to read! :)
Thanks for articulating what has been, for me, a lifelong experience that I’ve often felt embarrassed by. I’m 40 and still have a tendency to fall into “one special person” friendships that feel deeper than friendship but aren’t exactly romantic or sexual and I see my PDA son doing the same thing. I’m hoping to practice being satisfied by more stable, balanced relationships so I can give some guidance to him beyond guessing.
Megan, it is so tricky, isn't it? Especially when we are trying to guide our kids around some of our own past pitfalls, but also recognizing that they have to find their own way. I also think about each generation breaking patterns and demonstrating healthier ways of being. Heck, even just knowing they are neurodivergent and developing that identity will make such a difference for our young people. Thanks so much for reading and commenting!
I love this piece, Marni. The word "obsession" never fit for me because the internal experience was recognition, not fixation. When someone mirrors your inner world with the right depth and intensity, it doesn't feel like infatuation. It feels like oxygen.
Those relationships were the only places where my emotional and intellectual bandwidth actually met something that could hold it. Of course, it looked extreme from the outside. From the inside, it was regulation and meaning-making.
Congratulations on passing your comps and proposal defense!
Congrats Marni on passing Comps and getting your proposal submitted for IRB approval. Those are such big milestones on the PhD journey 😁. I’m excited with you 🤩
I think I fall into the PDA autism camp. When I find someone who seems to “get me,” I can jump to absolute intimacy very quickly. I call it my hidden family. It’s created some issues for me in my marriage though I have been able to stay within boundaries and avoid cheating. Over time, I’ve learned to relish moments and beautiful conversations and encounters without attachment. A big part of my learning process has been getting ghosted and accepting that “portals” can open in particular environments like festivals and close when the festival is over. I sometimes think of all life as a masquerade ball in which I’m dancing with God in dozens of different bodies.
Thank you for explaining limerence. It resonates with me for sure. I also tend to focus on one person at a time… It is really hard when I’m not quite sure how they feel about me.
One of my kids tends to have friends this way too, and one big friendship recently ended without much explanation on their part. I wasn’t ready. I really liked this person for them.
Hi Melissa, thanks so much for sharing your experience, it resonates for me as well. It is so confusing when we aren't sure of how others feel. I think that's part of why I liked the "all in" relationships - they were more clear and defined. But it was so very painful when they then fell apart. You raise a point I hadn't really thought of, which is that the more partial kinds of friendships can also be harder to keep track of, as they can fluctuate more over time.
I also wasn't prepared for the ups and downs of navigating friendships along with our young people. When their world building relationships fall apart it can be almost as painful as when it was our own experiences.
Wow. Love this post. Describes exactly how I imagine my 18 year old PDAer has been feeling for years (although she would sadly not appreciate me suggesting she read this!). It's tough on her for sure.
Thanks Steph. I always love to see you here in the comments! Ooh, I got curious about what's going on for your young adults, and just saw you have a couple of Substack posts about them. Off to read! :)
Thanks for articulating what has been, for me, a lifelong experience that I’ve often felt embarrassed by. I’m 40 and still have a tendency to fall into “one special person” friendships that feel deeper than friendship but aren’t exactly romantic or sexual and I see my PDA son doing the same thing. I’m hoping to practice being satisfied by more stable, balanced relationships so I can give some guidance to him beyond guessing.
Megan, it is so tricky, isn't it? Especially when we are trying to guide our kids around some of our own past pitfalls, but also recognizing that they have to find their own way. I also think about each generation breaking patterns and demonstrating healthier ways of being. Heck, even just knowing they are neurodivergent and developing that identity will make such a difference for our young people. Thanks so much for reading and commenting!
I love this piece, Marni. The word "obsession" never fit for me because the internal experience was recognition, not fixation. When someone mirrors your inner world with the right depth and intensity, it doesn't feel like infatuation. It feels like oxygen.
Those relationships were the only places where my emotional and intellectual bandwidth actually met something that could hold it. Of course, it looked extreme from the outside. From the inside, it was regulation and meaning-making.
Congratulations on passing your comps and proposal defense!
I love exploring these niche corners of our lives and brains with you, my friend!
Congrats Marni on passing Comps and getting your proposal submitted for IRB approval. Those are such big milestones on the PhD journey 😁. I’m excited with you 🤩
I think I fall into the PDA autism camp. When I find someone who seems to “get me,” I can jump to absolute intimacy very quickly. I call it my hidden family. It’s created some issues for me in my marriage though I have been able to stay within boundaries and avoid cheating. Over time, I’ve learned to relish moments and beautiful conversations and encounters without attachment. A big part of my learning process has been getting ghosted and accepting that “portals” can open in particular environments like festivals and close when the festival is over. I sometimes think of all life as a masquerade ball in which I’m dancing with God in dozens of different bodies.
Congratulations on passing your exam!!
Thank you for explaining limerence. It resonates with me for sure. I also tend to focus on one person at a time… It is really hard when I’m not quite sure how they feel about me.
One of my kids tends to have friends this way too, and one big friendship recently ended without much explanation on their part. I wasn’t ready. I really liked this person for them.
Hi Melissa, thanks so much for sharing your experience, it resonates for me as well. It is so confusing when we aren't sure of how others feel. I think that's part of why I liked the "all in" relationships - they were more clear and defined. But it was so very painful when they then fell apart. You raise a point I hadn't really thought of, which is that the more partial kinds of friendships can also be harder to keep track of, as they can fluctuate more over time.
I also wasn't prepared for the ups and downs of navigating friendships along with our young people. When their world building relationships fall apart it can be almost as painful as when it was our own experiences.