Kids can’t go it alone in self-directed education
They need connection, regulation and felt-safety regardless of where they learn
Sometimes we see the idea that unschooling means pulling your kids out of school and leaving them to their own devices (literally and/or figuratively), with little adult input or guidance needed. But let’s not confuse unschooling, which is an educational philosophy that focuses on self-directed and supported learning, with educational neglect. Let’s also not ignore that some people misuse the word unschooling in order to excuse neglect.1 That is a whole conversation in itself, and I’m going to set it aside for the purposes of this post, where I’m talking about unschooling done well.2
In my experience, unschooling requires more, not less, energy and involvement with my kids than traditional homeschooling.
When we were eclectic homeschoolers, I tried (with varying levels of success, since we were always consent-based) to have both big kids working on one academic subject at the same time. I’d lay out enticing activities like M&M math or Oreo moon science. We tried lots of things, but those in particular they still ask for. Laying out worksheets, not so much.
We read so many books and explored the information out loud together, instead of focusing on written work and production. We loved books that told stories and included brain twisters, like See You Later, Escalator!, Anno’s Math Games, 65 Short Mysteries You Solve With Science!, and Beast Academy. You can explore pretty much any academic subject with books from the library that are designed to be far more engaging than textbooks. BraveWriter guides helped me choose great books and lay out copywork for the kids to complete while I read aloud. We all looked forward to a good party at the end of the book and that tradition has stayed with us into our unschooling days.
It was beautiful and it worked well for both me and my kids at the time. As I have mentioned in the past, they were (mostly) joyfully along for the ride, and enjoyed my high tide energy focused on creating great learning experiences for them.
Eventually, they wanted something different and we shifted to a self-directed model of homeschooling. Instead of leading them, I started joining each of them in their unique interests. They began leading me even more, and my role has become to help my kids find resources, other mentors, and new ways to grow. I still put together the occasional scavenger hunt or Escape Room Breakout Box, but a lot of my time is spent helping with immediate requests like playing games, driving, and generally facilitating life in a busy family.
Overall, unschooling has been more taxing for me as a home educating parent. Instead of simply announcing it’s math time and checking off a box, I’m now always looking for opportunities to support each kid in their zone of proximal development.
It’s all day long. And it’s almost all one-on-one. With three kids, that leads to a lot of juggling. But it also meets them where they’re at in a way that I couldn’t do if we were homeschooling in a more traditional way. My focus time with my teenager is now 8 PM, when we work on preparing for his upcoming community college placement test. Or play a board game.
My middle does a lot of community classes and activities, so much of my energy for her goes to driving, preparing for the co-op science class I teach for her and her friends, participating in scouting events, sourcing books and podcasts, and being available to talk things through.
The littlest one in our family loves big movement games, Pokémon trivia, video games, board games, and adding scary mythical creatures to his Cryptid Book.
There’s not a lot of overlap between their interests anymore. Though they’ll all still come to the table for a shared activity involving food, and for this reason sometimes we’ll order a Yum Box from Universal Yums (if you’re wondering, it’s minimally educational - but fun!).
So no, unschooling (in the original, John Holt inspired tradition of the word) isn’t necessarily easier than homeschooling, and also it can’t be done by kids all by themselves.
Some theorists in the field of SDE like the term “self-determined education” for this reason, rather than “self-directed.” Young people need support in their learning. This may look like joining them in their interests ourselves, helping them find a class to learn with other people, or picking up a book we think they’ll enjoy from the library. I also like the broader term consent-based education. There are lots of things that young people don’t know they don’t know, and I believe that part of the role of the adults in their lives should be to expose them to a wide variety of possibilities. But always freely offered, never coerced.
The science of learning tells us that people remember the information they care about, that is, the things they are intrinsically motivated to learn. We may cram information into our short-term memory banks in order to pass a test, but if we don’t make a personal connection with the material, we won’t retain it. I can personally attest to this, as a straight A student who remembers very little of the K – 10 curriculum (and I skipped out of years 11 and 12, so I definitely have some “gaps” there! It’s turned out fine).
For more on this topic, I suggest The Book of Learning and Forgetting, which describes in depth how many theories of learning are drawn from psychological experiments in which people were asked to memorize nonsense syllables (syllables that have no meaning in any language) in order to get around the confounding factor of prior knowledge. These experiments were then extrapolated as evidence for “how humans learn,” while ignoring the fact that the vast majority of learning is undertaken based on intrinsic interest and motivation!
Smith goes on to explore the many misunderstandings about knowledge acquisition that have arisen out of this psychological research, while also advocating for a return to interest-led learning:
"While learning is normally inconspicuous, failure to learn can't be concealed. You don't need a test to discover whether individuals are learning, just look at their faces. If they look confused or bored, they are learning (or rather, all they're learning is that whatever they are doing is confusing and boring). ... The official theory says that you are not learning unless you can be seen to be working. The classic view says that if you have to struggle to learn then something must be wrong, but not with your learning ability or desire."
- Frank Smith, The Book of Learning and Forgetting (p. 60)
So much of conventional schooling revolves around production, which often takes the form of paper work or testing. Closing out the second year of my doctoral program, I have yet to take a test. The assignments have had a high degree of flexibility for customization around my particular interests. At the highest levels of academia, knowledge acquisition is all about exploration, discussion, sharing ideas, and creating projects. We know this is how people learn best. So why hasn’t it trickled down to our youngest learners?
In large part, it’s because adults don’t trust children to make choices about how to spend their own time and what will best help them grow. The term adultism refers to prejudice, discrimination, and oppression against young people, by adults, based solely on their age. It encompasses beliefs, attitudes, and practices that prioritize adult perspectives and authority over the needs, rights, and voices of young people. Adults perpetuate rules and practices for children that they would never tolerate for themselves.
As Chris Balme says in this excellent Substack piece, “The problem is not just that we coerce kids constantly — it’s that we don’t notice we are doing it anymore.” Although some of us do notice and are finding ways to be in relationship with children differently.
The exploratory approach I outlined above actually is the way that it works for many children who are homeschooled and unschooled. Classes become offerings they can choose from and the focus is on learning together, rather than documenting knowledge acquisition through production. There is an element of trust that each child will take from the day’s activity the pieces that are best suited for them.
When I am teaching a multi-age science class, a ten-year-old might be making new mental connections around Newton’s laws of motions, while a six-year-old might be mostly observing the actual motion of cars banging together in the hands-on activity (or they might be a science loving kid who is soaking it all up, despite their young age).
Having kids of a wide variety of ages in a co-op doesn’t always work seamlessly, but then neither do same-age groupings. It’s a personality and interest thing, as much as anything else. The magic of mixed-age groupings focused on exploration instead of production is that it allows each child to engage with the material at the level that is just right for them. There’s little comparison or feeling left behind. There’s room for advanced exploration and even no exploration - the kids are free to leave, opt out for the day, or never to have signed up in the first place.
Look, if my kids wanted to learn from a well-done all-in-one curriculum like Oak Meadow, I’d support them in that. I’m sure they would learn some things they wouldn’t otherwise have discovered, but they’d also miss out on practicing following the threads of their passions. It takes time and experimentation to develop your own sense of what you like, how to pursue it, when to stop, and how to balance everything.
I understand that this level of trust in children is uncomfortable for some people. But ultimately we can’t control someone else’s learning. No amount of filled out worksheets can change this basic fact.
Adults spend 13+ years of compulsory schooling telling children what, when, and how to learn. Then they wonder why kids have trouble following their natural curiosity when someone isn’t telling them what’s next. Many flounder after high school or college graduation, when the world requires a level of self-direction that they have never been allowed to practice.
So yes, it’s scary to support young people in practicing self-determination. They make mistakes. Sometimes a lot of them. But we’ll be right there, available to help figure out how to make things work better for them next time.
Thanks for reading! Please do leave a comment - conversations here on Substack are what make writing feel worthwhile in the midst of this chaotic season of life.
-Marni
There’s a lot to be said about homeschooling and abuse, just like there’s a lot to be explored around public schooling and abuse. It is presumably a very small number of people who hide abuse behind the term unschooling, but the truth is we don’t really know. As a country, we have very little accurate data on homeschooling and unschooling. Being surrounded by deeply caring parents who are home or unschooling in order to foster their children’s well being and protect their mental health (often after horrible public school experiences), I want to protect our rights for educational freedom. But I’ve also talked to several people, from different areas of the country and with different backgrounds, who experienced so-called “homeschooling” in their childhood as neglect. I don’t have any personal experience in that area, so it’s not where I’m going to focus my energy and writing, but I also don’t want to stick my head in the sand. I’m in favor of thoughtful homeschooling regulation and having checks in place to keep kids safe.
I define unschooling “done well” not by the measures of kids taking part in classes or earning credentials, but instead by families who are able to maintain connection and together chart their paths through the world.
We're about to start homeschooling in the Fall. After a year at a Sudbury School that is not fitting well. My kiddo (11 years old) has enjoyed seeing her progress along the Khan Academy curriculum this year. I work full-time and wonder how long it will continue to look like this - where she enjoys learning by herself, choosing material by herself, and celebrating progress with the rest of us. This post and your appearance on the Low Demand Summit have helped me emphasize FLEXIBILITY in my views. Thank you!
Such a refreshing read. Thank you!